I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
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Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home