I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
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I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.