I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
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Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
I need more from my antidepressant, like clean my bathrooms. Go grocery shopping. Pull your weight.
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together