Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
You Might Also Like
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
We found love in a hopeless place.
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
Friends that check up on you >
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.