I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
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[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
LOL!
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.