I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
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interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
the saddest jazz hands ever
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…