The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
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*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.