washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
You Might Also Like
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust