You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
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*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
never forget
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
i really liked this one
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.