me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
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[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
m’lady
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?