Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
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last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
business tip.
INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productiveSAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
As the Lord intended
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
shit, they caught us—run!!!
Am I having a stroke?
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…