Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
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How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.