Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
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Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?