No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. đŸ™‚
*later to thugs* They know too much.
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My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
I wish all tests were things you peed on
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath