synchronized noseblowing
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Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*