It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
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if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
My goal weight is getting a magician to saw me in half.
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.