No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
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Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.