*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
You Might Also Like
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
That’s it.I’m out.
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
yeah not falling for this one
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
wtf is an acronym
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.