People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
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I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
Your secret is safeish with me
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
i want the dreams to chase me for once
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.