I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
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5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
I absolutely hate being woken from a nap. There were other treadmills in the gym that dude could have used.
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
the only bumper sticker ill allow
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??