HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
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I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
I’m giving up for Lent.
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
quarantine day 3
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
Travel bloggers during quarantine
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.