*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
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Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.