Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
You Might Also Like
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
Remember folks 😂
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.