doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
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I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.