I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
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The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
Just me and my debit card against the world
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.