WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
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It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.