Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
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Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!