Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
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Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
This is my pinned tweet
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.