I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
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The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
*pronounces patio like ratio
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.
plums roundup
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
My work here is don’t.
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.