Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
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What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
Just a reminder, folks:
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
“A little help here, Danny?”