i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
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Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
Expect the unexporcupine.
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
subtitles are so good nowadays
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
I just stopped by to water my horse.
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?