[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
You Might Also Like
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no