I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
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THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
Donkey Kong sommelier
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.