The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
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toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
I’d … I’d rather not.
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.