I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
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“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.