“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
You Might Also Like
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
I think about this a lot
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.