I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
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A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
Taking my car to the shop see you in $2000
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.