[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
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[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
How to woo a woman
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
Is….Is this an option?
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice