I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
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Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
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Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years: