Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
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10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months