Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
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*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
Grow up never but we old may grow we
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”