“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
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Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH