Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
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chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
Pretty much! 😂👀
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
Me :
All Day At Night
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car: