The struggle is real
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Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
those birds must be on payroll
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
Dance like you’re not the father
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt