5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
You Might Also Like
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
*has no idea what a book even is*
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
Why soy sad?
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…