One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
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When I said I liked it rough.
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
Must have been so hard for our ancestors to find out which mushrooms were edible and which weren’t. “Sure, the brown one was delicious but the orange one killed Steve so idk about that stew, Jeremy“
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
Phonetics
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.