If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
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I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
This will never not be funny 😭
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
I hope google does well on my son’s test
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.