No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
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“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
A new gel is being developed that could coat your stomach and stop you from getting intoxicated. It’s like the old saying “Gel before beer, you’re in the clear! Beer before gel, wait what the hell?”
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]