You Might Also Like
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
Classic German Shepherd 😂
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
#milo
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”