So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
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Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
I falcon love using swear birds
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?